4/17/2005
.:. sunday mornings.. .:.
i found the answer to my loneliness,the reasons for my restlessness at bed, a sought someone and the desire to be understood.
no one does, here, at AVRDC i mean. its crazy sometimes i feel so constrained. i dont really get to express what i want to express or be who i know id be. its all about adjustment, i know...and they say im quite versatile. but lately, ewan ko ba...
maybe its just feeling the weight of not being in my comfort zone, brought about by the fading excitement i first felt coming to AVRDC. haay...di to homesick i know, i mean i still want to be here and experience new stuff...pero sna atleast, i could like be myself outside the four corners of my room. well, yeah, sa kwarto i could be myself, i could think the way i could, express everything i want to..pero its pointless talking to yourself, or looking at the mirror, or maybe just sprawled in the bathroom floor letting hot water just drown you in your thoughts. haay...its pointless when you dont have anyone to be physically present, to comfort you.
im not love sick, im not lonely, im not heart broken. dont get my wrong, im not depressed either.
i think im just misunderstood in the environment i am in..
among the people im with everyday..
eh paano>?
ibang iba eh...well, cultural differences...especially at the dining table, or like when hanging out sa isang house. haay, my thwang aint helping either nor does my type of fun. to make matters worst, my astigmatism makes me UBER KJ. haay..
oh well, sbi nga ni kuya manny..
"eh cnu mgAADJUST?"
um 1 vs 6?...well, ako dapat...and i am.
pero ung nga...atleast once in a while in the presence of someone i love, i can just be me.
went to church earlier today, this time with Dr Palada and his two nephews: kuya jed and kuya myk. the church, Nantze Higher Grounds Community Church, was at Kaoshiung, an hour drive away. It was a small fellwoship , mainly OFWS and has quite the same religious traditions with the churches i attended back home. so the spiritual part of me had a great time.
funny coz the message kinda of strucked me in a way that had me guilty and actually made me realize all this.
well, they were having their PDL drive and the pastor was tackling on the fifth purpose as according to Rick Warren. mejo nguilty ako, ksi the lack of expressing my belief, i know, plays a big part in the feeling of emptiness within me.
haay..i need serious praying over, and i need to think about alot of things especially the reasons why God has brought me here.
oh well, 2 hours n ako d2. i meant only to work on my blog pero john came online..
hahahaha...an answer to my prayers really...queer i still went through writing this blog..
pero the chatting, i bet, is enough to last me the week...:D
oh dear..its dinner time na.
losing my grip. [6:57 PM]
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