5/20/2005
.:. Fustration... .:.
so here it ends. my fucked up thesis. our fucked up friendship. im dead tired and i dont want to go on, im settling for mediocracy. im settling for just being any normal friend - anquaitance.
im giving up..as much as i have gave up on you. lol..funny. you seat a computer away, and yet...you are but a distant memory, where our friendship was once cherished and fun. like dreams of making one hell of a grand thesis - its just there, almost within my grasp. sigh...but no..fuck fate, fuck destiny, fuck change...
hell, no regrets. i did my part...um...did i? would it be my fault that my amplifications are so crude and smears/contaminants end up everywhere? i tried isolating all possible sources of error, from checking each and every reagent to scrutinizing my techniques...i consulted books and acted like a naive fool in front of my supervisors..but everytime, it just seems to get worse.
minsan iniisip ako ang error. ako mismo. i feel so incompetent and dumb...the way i hate myself for having our friendship slip out of hand, and maybe for not being the friend im suppose to be.
it sucks. the world is filled with fucked up actors...always pretending, always acting...we feel the tension but yet you smile, you play games with me,you tease me, i smile back, i play with you, i tease you back...as if we want things to be normal as if nothing has happened, as if you havnt changed and that i hated you for that. and yet, within the four corners of a candle-lit room, i cry...
oh tears, dont ruin the carpet says my pride, it aint worth it so put urself together. but hell no, deep within me, i know, an emptyness, a void, a blackhole making me cringe and feel fucking sad. i miss us. our friendship and i hate myself for being the reason.
im out...of things to do. there is no hope in making up for things. i have a week left, and its crazy coz i finished all of the reagents sa lab. imagine...naubos ko LAHAT in all the attempts iv tried to amplify that cursed region. ndi ko n mabilang ilng bese ko n try...para makuha ung gusto ko. pero wla. fuck chance...
isang week nlng....wla na nga ako mgwa...paalam kaibigan. paalam tiawan...sayang ung thesis....letche...
losing my grip. [9:15 AM]
_____________
