dear blog,
when did i ever write like this? when did i ever feel that as if you are the only person who seemed to understand me in a situation that im going thru lately...
it was a long time wasnt it? when i addressed you not just as a online journal but as a close friend and confider. it saddens me tho....coz maybe, after all this is over...i may not write here anymore.
nhhrpn ako! i know im not having any asthma attacks but my lungs wont work..
yesterday, i had nothing much to do. so i decided to swim....2 hours straight...21 sec half a lap, i swam like crazy maybe just hoping to alleviate the heavy emotions im feeling. i suffered from 3 cramps at various parts of my body and hyperventilation but no one in the pool had to knew even the life guard. i was proud, i managed...and continued, i wasnt trying to punish myself, it felt really good actually...placing my body to its limits...
but i was much stronger the day before....hyperventilation at the pool was something new...
my lungs burned like hell, and my right ribs felt bruised....
the only person who saw me was santi, "hoy, ok k lng?"...i swan away as quick as possible...after several laps, s: "my God jay, stop it..."
but i didnt stop...after swimming, another two hours of training with CQ in the dojo. that was the usual warm up work out, 50 sets of battering the wall, 50 sets of kambio, push-ups, 21 sets of all 12 methods, we relearned the 7 Combinations and another 50 sets of 13se on the wall...
after that two hours....i couldn't open up my bruised hands...i couldnt let go of my stick at all...
but when i did, my hand would just shake uncontrollably.
i am too proud to show im hurt. i always was....
i try not to notice how heavy the air around me feels or how i seem to sulk while walking around campus..
i try to act as if everything is normal...not because i just feel like denying what im feeling but because i just want to convince myself that everything is going to be ok...
that everything after sometime will be back to the way things were...
but no...i fear that i might lose her.
space is good. i mean atleast i get to really understand my feelings for her and she for me. but i know love k n yun..
alam ko, the reasons of all my stupid actions yesterday was bcoz i dont want to feel as if im losing her.
i mean y am i? i shouldnt be...
everything is going to be ok, jay..
u should know that..
u'r supposedly smart...intelligent...
pero y am i feeling this way?
i wish we didnt have to go on with this. i hate this, buti lng ngd2 ako sa may likod ng shop..
where no one can see me..where no one can see me suffer with such pains...
i wish she wouldnt have to be this harsh...it was sudden really..
though it had a bit of a lapse for it to sink in, but right now im feeling it's full force...
miss ko n cya...badly. 2 days lng...pero i am missing her na.
argh...it going to be ok jay..
u know it..
by next sem, ul be happy..the both of u will...
losing my grip. [10:45 AM]
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Bye
: 5:31 PM
